Life and its Perks

Just visiting. 2 months absence and it feels like months and months long. Nothing much changed. Latest highlight was I went to #Russell Peters show and got diagosed with #LowBloodPressure. LOL!

Not life threatening, just lack of good protein and a tad underweight. Not even worth bragging cos I know some gals that are skinner than me and are very healthy and very curvilious. Unlike poor me.

Anyways............. RussellPeters show was awesome!! His tour show was on 11/5-12/5 2012 in Malaysia! So fortunate to able to catch him live. LaughDieMe. LOL> Translation, in cantonese, SiuSeiNgor! Jokes mostly centered about sex, race, sex. ~~More sex~~. Come to think about it, I think most of the jokes go back to sex. -_- *awkward if were to watch with parents**

:) New term in sch, 3rd week in and assignments piled up like a mini Mount Everest. A step closer to closing the university life chapter.

WHAT ELSE? hmm.

Really like #CarlyRaeJepson new single 'Call me maybe' and also this weird liking for #OneDirection. Their songs are really catchy and the band is kinda very cute, EVENTHO they're so young!

Weather is very hot. Ah HAH! Give you a maths equation to work on.

[ (m + n)² - 9n² ] / [ m² - 2mn ]

I really miss blogging, I like to self-indulge; hmmmm.. ##Peace out.

In another life, I would be your girl,

We keep all our promises, it will be us against the world,

And in another life, I would make you stay,

So I don't have to say you're the one that got away.

We often confuse ourselves when the opportunity of love appears itself. How do we embrace it? Do we sit back and let it blossom? Or we take it by its rein and take control of it?

I'm a naive girl. I have not yet experience great love, the love where you will be torn into pieces if it ended. I can even agree I have never fully love someone until, fate brought us together.

This is not a typical love story. This is a story of unbalance love and the hardship I constantly face so that I appear not to be affected by it. I dunno whether it makes any sense.

But here goes.

Many years ago, I've known this boy, now a man during my schooling years. We were close friends but not best friends. As years passed by, so is the friendship gap between us.

After I entered college, I no longer think of him or categorize him as my go-to-friend. We still wish each other on festive seasons and birthdays but nothing further on from that. We don't even facebook. That was how distant we were.

On a fateful day, I think it was God's will, I suddenly thought of him. By then, I was posted as an intern at MAS and I only have data entry to do so to kill boredom, I was texting some friends in my contact list. I must have scrolled down the list and saw his name because that was how everything started.

I messaged him with a typical message that probably sounds like "Hey #! How are you? What are you doing now?"

And he probably replied with silly response because I remembered he told me, he was a recent graduate and will be working for his first real corporate job in December.

I still remember how I message him asking how it was working in a ## and we did some constant texting I guessed. One thing led to another and soon we were meeting up and going for movies and doing stuff together.

Now now... I wouldn't give a double hoot back then if you told me he would be my bf someday. I would even probably laugh at your face and say NEVER WILL I LOVE HIM MORE THAN A BROTHER!!

Or so I thought....

Weeks and months passed by, we did a lot of activity together and something prompted my godparents to question our relationship status. They are always asking whether we are together...etc. My whole family knows him and his whole family knows me and bother our families know each other. That is how far back we go.

All the while, I said NO, NOOOO and NO! I told them he is gay, he is my brother, he is my best friend. Well, truthfully speaking, he isn't gay. He is as straight as a rod can be.

I never explore on the idea he could be someone-more-than-best-friend. But with constant questioning from family and my girl best friend, even I was doubtful where me and him stand.

So, I did what I thought was the right thing to do. By then, I've already developed feelings for him. I asked him 'The Question.' But not in a direct way or *clear* way.

It was on a Sunday night, we were out and I think it was Mother's Day. We went for late supper at KFC and I dunno what I ate cos I was sick and was puking on the way home. In my pocket, I wanted to give him the letter I wrote. (I'm that old fashioned, LOL)

But I chicken out the last minute. So typical of me. I was feeling sick and my heart was pounding like crazy.In the end, I can't even looked into his eyes and tell him. After my shower, I was feeling better and I received a text from him, stating his concern about me (because I was puking -_-) and I replied with the bold statement of "CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING AND PLEASE BE BRUTALLY HONEST".

Again, my heart was pounding like crazy, my mind is thinking a million things at the same thing, my hands were shaking, I can't think straight not act straight. I was literally going crazy. I took almost half an hour to calm myself and send him the question.

Obviously it was already past midnight he could be asleep or pretended not to have seen or heard my message because I CAN'T SLEEP the whole night and the first thing I do was message him again in the morning. How sad am I? Obviously kena rejected LOL and never talk about this again. We didn't even acknowledged this happened so whatever.

Again with the broken heart, I did a stupid thing. I thought our friendship was over! but I received a message from him asking me can I do him a favor and I was so happy I got this because I really treasure our friendship.

What was the real content of the message I sent to him? This is probably the only other time I'm speaking out of this. I feel like a loser, after all who doesn't after a rejection?

I asked him whether he is willing to take a step forward to be more than a friend or does he choose to stay as my best friend? Obviously he choose the latter and a spiral of craziness happened afterwards.

After the rejection, I went to this primary school gathering and I met with some of my classmates. We kinda stayed connected with the gathering hype in facebook and hold and behold, the next thing I did was agreeing to be some one's girlfriend.

Was there sincere mutual feelings? I like to think so on my part because I didn't want to get into a relationship based on partially getting revenge and to forget about #him. But things wasn't going well. I kept comparing #him and the unfortunate to be my so called bf.

During that month, #HE went to Korea for a couple of weeks and I thought lesser of him I guessed. I did have a bf and school and life as a couple. But obviously, deep down, I know I will never let him go.

After #He got back from the trip, we hung out again and I remember it was the first time in weeks I meet up with him. He had his blue office shirt on and new funky specs. He was totally jet lagged, he went to work straight from the airport. So we hung out at this cafe I always frequent and I still remember the door slamming making him pissed off. LOL :))

I told him my relationship was rolling downhill and we did bitch a lot like a couple of old ladies. Hahaha. I guessed, #HE was the main reason I broke up with :*). I can't stand being placed in a position where I had to choose, and not getting what I wanted because I feel obstructed.

So I did what I have been thinking for some time now. I broke up with :*) and hung back out with #HIM. Life was getting better after that.

*My whole family felt violated that I was dating :*) and not being with #HIM. My family was clearly happier than anyone else when I broke it off.

For his birthday, I wanted to do something special for him but! technically I am not NO#1 in his friendship list and NO#2, his friends planned an actual birthday for him. I'm not invited if you're wondering because we don't share mutual friends.

So, I was clearly very upset I didn't do something special for him. I was even planning on asking him for the second time. Haiyoh! And I did probably the most stupid thing. I blanked out in every virtual world. Not in FB, not in phone. My motto was I SHALL BE THE LAST TO WISH HIM on his birthday.

One would thought I was being lame but seriously, I was in agony! I wanted so much to call him, to message him, to tell him the truth. I kept my promise though. I waited until almost midnight to message him, and again! NO REPLY.

I typed a very long and heartfelt message and I got 0 response. I was like FML!!!

Fast forward few months later, I started my second posting as an intern. I was in a new environment, with new people and zero background history. So I started a little lie, and eventually it got into a web of lies. It was some what, a term called reinventing myself with ideas that isn't true.

Well, honestly speaking, I wasn't telling lies that are far fetched. I just kinda exaggerated of some truth. I was fearful my colleagues will one day find out the truth and think Amanda is being nasty. Till today, I'm still fearful because I have facebook access with them.

Being an intern was awesome. I loved working life because I felt like a grown up, having real responsibilities, friendship ties with older people, the taste of freedom.

Our friendship survived after almost a year of reconciliation. I threw a party, actually the main purpose is to invite #HIM, (I'm that lame) and we had great times. It sometimes makes me wonder whether it was worthwhile throwing away this special friendship just so I can satisfy my small girl's dream.

On NYE, it was probably the best awesome time of my living life. I regretted not taking the leap, the risk, the chance to proved to him that I can be better than just being friends. But I didn't, and the opportunity closes, disappeared into the night sky.

Wise people always say, "Opportunity doesn't knock twice. When it appears, take it."

Well, our friendship probably progressed after some natural succumbtion to natural instincts. We are still best friends to today this post is dated. On my birthday, I mainly cried because I wanted him so much. I wished he knew the real reason but he only thinks my tears are because of something my family is going through right now.

On my birthday, I cried in front of him. I expected a lot but got nothing in return. In fact, on 24th he got so drunk he blacked out and I was so upset that he is so carefree and having the time of his life and why would he want to be friends with me anymore.

After all, I'm not special. Anyone can replace me. Even more brutally honest, I can disappear from this world and not be missed. I was so afraid of losing him. He is my hope to everything. He can make my wishes come true. Literally speaking!

Lately, he goes drinking and clubbing with his colleagues most of the time. I stalked his FB and saw upsetting pictures of his nights. I don't mind if he goes drinking with a bunch of dudes, but when females are included, obviously I felt extremely threaten.

Plus, the ladies was dressed up like ****** I don't even wanna say it here. I don't wanna self pity but seriously, I can't rock any outfit. I don't even looked like a freaking 21! My boobs are a disappointment to me minus the part where I'm stick-skinny. I have to wear my glasses because I'm bat shit blind without them and I'm physically afraid of contact lens.

So, why should he still wanna hang out with me? I'm a loser compared to his awesome friends. I can't go drinking, I can't go clubbing, I've a curfew. I'm survived on my weekly allowance, which doesn't really give me the luxury to go do awesome high end stuff.

So, again, why would he even want to associate himself to me? I'm afraid that one day, reality actually takes place and the above question is no longer, just a question. What would I do if I lose him? I would be miserable, upset, thoughts of dying might entered my mind. But I think dying is a bit extreme and I think it is an act of attention seeking.

You know, till this very minute, I loved him with all my heart. I can dropped everything else just so to be with him. I dreamt of my future with him

My *girl best friend always advice me to be not so stupid and be blinded by love. She said I'm sacrificing a lot for him and he isn't worthwhile. If he is a true man, he would have get it on with me or say something to stop leading me into a fantasy I'm indulging.

I'm stubborn, I'm naive. I can't stop loving him because it feels like I can't see other guys except him. It's like fishing for a guy is no longer a habit. My heart is set on. The sword has been set into the stone. I can't imagine anyone else but him to be my true love, my first love.

I can only wish time and love will heal this half broken heart of mine. Which is worst, loving someone you know will never love you back or not able to love again?

P:S :: If :*) is reading this, don't be offended by this. I guessed you were expecting this all along.

P:S:S :: I know this is a long post but it is what it is.

P:S:S:S :: This is possibly my last entry for this blog.

With sincere love to my best friend,

we leave it to fate.

AMANDA LIEW

To have hope is to have a little faith.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Macau & China

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Saturday, March 3, 2012

The one that got away by Amanda Liew

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

21st Birthday cont..

Monday, February 27, 2012

21st birthday